Chosen

She shuffled the stack in a wild fashion, cards flying out of her hands and landing face up, down, sideways across the table. She began to pluck the individual cards out of the disheveled pile that had formed and neatly arranged them in a row. I looked over at the line of cards, one after another, organized right under a bright faced sunflower. I’d never seen so many major arcana cards come out in a single reading but there they were, complete with some of the most heavy hitting archetypes staring me in the face.

“Are you pregnant?” she led with.

I looked at her, wide-eyed and heard my inner voice pipe up “oh, here we go, it’s going to be one of those readings.” I thought “sure, I’ll play” because curiosity had gotten the best of me–I had removed my IUD a month before due to it shifting and causing incredible pain, was I pregnant? I sat trying to figure out how to give her enough information but not too much; partially because I had convinced myself after 3 words she was a charlatan, but mostly because I didn’t want to immerse myself in that topic. Thinking about the whole question made my heart sink. Tears began to well as I looked her in the eyes “No…? I mean, I don’t think so.” She clarified “are you trying to get pregnant?” I mustered a happy-go-lucky “Oh, no! One and done!” She studied the Empress card — “something is in the works, something will be birthed.”

I sat in my chair, fiddling my fingers under the table and trying to divert my attention away from the emotions that were starting to bubble up. Physically and metaphorically, I didn’t think anything was in me, let alone the idea that I should entertain an abstract idea. We always construct the most literal and rational explanations, completely forgetting to leave room for The Possibilities. Literally or figuratively, I had three choices: I could either turn away from my curiosity and abort whatever she was referring to, fumble it and miscarry, or go through with the birth; either way, a choice had to be made.

Contemplating the frame of mind I was in at the time, I can see myself, thumb extended on the side of some lonely desert road, setting out on a solo cross-country hitchhiking adventure. What she gave me in that reading was a very loose map, completely unintelligible unless you review events and details in hindsight. Revisiting my notes from the interaction, it becomes more of a travel journal.

But that’s how the cards work, at least on one level; they’re portals to parts of you that you cannot access on a whim. What’s even more beautiful about the cards is how they flex their meaning and significance with you, traveling along the spiraled path of human experience. There’s always something to learn.

I turned my head and found myself staring out a window with a flurry activity scattered around me. She approached me from the side and while still staring out the window, motionless, I could see her pulling out her supplies. I turned to look at her “aren’t you excited? This is a big day!” she said with an even mixture of excitement and slight concern. My eyes stared back at her, glazed over and threatening to spill their secrets all over my gown. “Yes! I’m just nervous.” I pretended to be scared of the enormous needle she gently inserted into my arm. I had another nurse pulling on my other side, wrapping a monitor around my belly, the anesthesiologist was demanding my attention and I was there, on autopilot. The pitocin was dripping, and the whole experience was moving ahead faster than I had expected.

Once the birthing process gets started, there’s only one thing left to do and you can’t back out.

The next day, I swung my feet over the side of the bed and pulled myself up. I was walking into the door of a curiosity shop with my little one by my side. We poked around in the shop and as we were leaving, my son spun a huge tarot wheel that was lined with Arthurian themed cards. The gal behind the counter asked if we wanted the spin interpreted, to which I enthusiastically agreed. She told me to spin it as well. I wish I could remember the cards that we both ended up with but the real magic of the conversation came in an exceptionally illuminative individual and combined reading. Nestled in the conversation, she looked us both in the eyes and said “you have no idea how protected you are. Nor do you have any idea of how powerful you both are, one more so than the other” and she gave a knowing smile.

Walking back to the car, tears were streaming down my face. The cards had opened a portal once more. And here I was, choosing bit by bit, piece by piece, my birth.

There was only one thing to do.